Storming Westminster and Killing Wildlife

When I hear of the current polls showing the Tories struggling to form the next government, I hark back to the golden days when oiks didn't have a vote and only my rich, aristocratic friends decided who should form the government.

I was discussing such a lamentable state of affairs this afternoon with my good Friends Algernon and Giles, the latter who is the Master Huntsman of the Squiffington-on-the-Wold hunt.

"What, What Giles old chap", I said, "if Sir David Cameron doesn't become our next PM, how on earth are we going to be able to brutally slay wild animals for fun?". Giles and Algernon told me not to worry, as they had it on good authority that the Countryside Alliance are planning to storm Parliament and seize power on the 7th May if things go pear-shaped! Good old Otis!

This of course if top secret- so don't tell anyone! Tally ho, what what my brave in-bred country folk!

Riding Roughshod over the Oiks

I have been canvassing a scruffy council estate tonight with my good hunting friends Nigel, Anastasia and Rupert. We are not allowed to mention our love of killing foxes for pleasure nor wear our hunting gear, but we tried to get the little oiks to vote Tory nevertheless.

I was shocked that none of them were actually going to vote Tory, saying we were just stuck up posh people totally out of touch with reality! How dare they- they shouldn't be allowed to vote! Their houses were so smelly and dingy and one man even told me to "F*** off!" When the Dimpleton on Sea Hunt resumes I shall make a point of trampling through his garden with my hounds in pursuit of Reynard.

After our fruitless pursuit of votes among the proles we retired to my 12th century banquet hall for a feast of pheasant and 300 year old port. Recession, what recession- what what!! Down with oiks and lefties!

Nightmares under New Labour- Tally Ho!

What what!- what is the world coming to when these bloody liberal do-gooders have outlawed all of our favourite past-times- cock fighting, hare coursing, badger-baiting, etc.!? And as for my beloved killing of foxes, well- words can't express it.........

I used to love waking as a young boy, putting on my jodphurs and joining the West Dimpleton on Sea Hunt, pounding through the countryside, fuelled by blood-lust as I closed in on that pesky Reynard!

I dreamed about this the other night, but then awoke, to find myself in the nightmare of New labour's Britain when this bloodthirsty past-time is strictly prohibited! "Never mind, not for much longer", I told my wife Cressida as I awoke in a state of distress, "We'll have those Labour oiks out soon and then I can enjoy my gloriously violent past-time yet again!".

Now where is that blue rosette? I'm off to force my tenants to vote Tory or they're getting evicted. That's compassionate conservatism for you!

Tally ho, what what!

Down with Lefties!

By jove old chaps- I've just taken over this site from a terrible oik of a man who used to spout left-wing ramblings of the worst kind possible! I showed him the door and evicted him from his peasants' cottage on my vast estate in the process- along with his wife and kids. It's off to the workhouse for them I tell you, what what!!

Well we shall have no more of that! What what! This blog shall be moving in a new aristocratic direction- just like this great old country of ours if Lord David Cameron hopefully gets his way!

There shall be nothing bolshy about it any longer! For I am Lord Tarquin, a blue-blooded, monocle-wearing, Tory-loving, third cousin of the Duke of Wednesleydale and an avid lover of murdering animals of all kind, whether they be foxes, sheep, goats, hares or anything else that moves for that matter.

It is for this reason that you all simply must vote Tory on May 6th so that me and my chums can get back our beloved sport of killing foxes, hares and deer for pleasure. My youngest wee boy Barnaby, who's only 4 months old, is simply longing to be smeared in blood after his first kill! So make haste and get the Tories elected- Tally Ho- what what!!

Keep looking at my spiffing blog and down with all working-class oiks!